The Early Result

Crushed.

I did an early pregnancy test today. You know the ones where you can test for the presence of the hCG hormone in your urine stream?

hCG stands for human chorionic gonadotropin (try saying that with a mouthful of marbles!). When you're pregnant, your body produces this particular hormone, and small amounts of it can be detected as early as six days before your period.

Not all pregnancy tests can detect small amounts of this hormone, so you have to purchase the one that specifies "early pregnancy test".

So yeah, back to feeling defeated.

I know, It's only been four months and I shouldn't complain, but because of my challenges with endometriosis and possibly not being able to conceive naturally as my GP and gyno suspects, each negative result is a reminder of these challenges and begs the questions, "Am I not conceiving because, on average, it takes longer than four months to conceive?" Or, "Am I not pregnant because certain hardware 'down there' isn't functioning properly?"

The answer, for now, remains a mystery, and without fully knowing exactly whether I can conceive naturally or not, we're trying blind.

Hence, this is why really, for the first time, I am disappointed. I've been fine all the other times. I guess in three months, I've been too busy mentally preparing myself, and educating myself: taking the appropriate vitamins, cutting out alcohol and my beloved coffee (god, i miss coffee!,) exercising, getting used to drinking that Chinese herbal liquid vomit twice daily, and so on.

Now that I've perfected my routine, there's little else to do but keep tryin!

Ax

The Waiting Period

This is the period of your er... period... that baby books describe as the most anxious time of the month for women trying to conceive. The two weeks they have to wait for them to get their period, or see that second pink little line they daydream about.

It’s not like you can just go on with your life and pretend not to think about it. It’s always there. "How long do i have until my next period?". "how many days are left before I can do an early pregnancy test"?

For couples who don’t have to hear the tick of the biological clock, having unprotected sex, with the attitude of, ‘if it happens, it happens’, this is definitely not THAT situation.

I have a clock, its ticking louder, so this is the longest two weeks of each month.

You want the clock to shut the hell up, but it won’t. Why? Because you so want to be a Mum. And you want to give a child to the Dad.

Not to mention the ‘study’ and effort that goes with trying to fall pregnant. Tri-monthly visits to the acupuncturist whose clinic is almost an hour away; a twice daily gagging session after drinking this god-awful Chinese magic fertility-improving powder; reading up on fertility; googling; researching; discussing with girlfriends; downing a million vitamins a day; buying baby magazines……

Ahhhh the list – or should I say, obsession – goes on.

And when you put that much effort into it, those two weeks go by awfullyyyyyyyyyyy slowlyyyyyyyyy.